Life is like a joke

Dear diary, can you listen, could you speak?

How often does a joker smile from the bottom of his heart?
Does a clown led a happy life when he is unmasked?

I am sad. I am miserable. I am depress. Some people had told me about this at the back. Some passed the messages through their mouth, and some try to tell through their eyes. My heart kept trembling. I can really feel the heart aching for such a long  time like never before. I am afraid I will turn out to be a cold person from the inside but stay as ordinary as normal as I could on the outer surface.  I am afraid I would. But how about the time when i am facing you?and you?  Deeply I breathe. My tears rolling but anyhow I am making sure my tears do not run down from the eye sockets. I kept pondering all these while. It’s not up to me to choose. If only i could choose but i can’t. It’s all fated. Fingers are all in different length. So unfortunately, so unluckily and so disheartening to say, i belong to the shortest one. Tomorrow i will be fine, but the wound will kept uncovered forever inside.

p/s: This is a gloomy, depressing post. Please bear with me, i am still in the midst of sorting out my emotion. I am not having PMS or whatsoever.
I wanted to write and express about this all these while, but i was thinking how to write in such a way that nobody can understand what is the greyish part which kept inside my heart, and nobody can guess what i am trying to express and after all, it will continue like what it may be now.  Moreover, I still have to bear with the circumstances through the rest of my life. The world is never fair. Seriously this is really not a poetry, neither a joke or something funny. This is truly a thing which cause my chest pain when thinking about it.